Rodney Dangerfield

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Rodney Dangerfield

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can’t.
Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Rodney Dangerfield

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Rodney Dangerfield

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Rodney Dangerfield

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Rodney Dangerfield

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield

Life is just a bowl of pits.
Rodney Dangerfield

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said… Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
Rodney Dangerfield

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
Rodney Dangerfield

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield