Dennis Miller

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don’t they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.
Dennis Miller

I lapsed into rude.
Dennis Miller

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
Dennis Miller

What’s so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It’s like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
Dennis Miller

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R’s only one begins with an R.
Dennis Miller

The radical right is so homophobic that they’re blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
Dennis Miller

You’ve got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
Dennis Miller

Just put down 9/11… I think, on most things I’m liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I’m kind of conservative on.
Dennis Miller

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don’t find these weapons of mass destruction. It’s enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.
Dennis Miller

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
Dennis Miller

I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller

I’m a comedian, for God’s sake. Viewers shouldn’t trust me. And you know what? They’re hip enough to know they shouldn’t trust me. I’m just doing stand-up comedy.
Dennis Miller

One man’s Voltaire is another man’s Screech.
Dennis Miller

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
Dennis Miller

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
Dennis Miller

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry’s support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry’s appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
Dennis Miller

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
Dennis Miller

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
Dennis Miller

The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board.
Dennis Miller

I’m like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
Dennis Miller

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn’t be in this problem.
Dennis Miller

Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God’s way of letting you know that you’re having too good a time.
Dennis Miller

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.
Dennis Miller

A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
Dennis Miller

Born again?! No, I’m not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
Dennis Miller

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis’ nightstand.
Dennis Miller

There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.
Dennis Miller

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
Dennis Miller

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation’s highways.
Dennis Miller

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.
Dennis Miller

It’s ironic that in our culture everyone’s biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.
Dennis Miller

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