Groucho Marx

My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
Groucho Marx

Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Groucho Marx

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Groucho Marx

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.
Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Groucho Marx

Room service? Send up a larger room.
Groucho Marx

Go, and never darken my towels again.
Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.
Groucho Marx

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
Groucho Marx

Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution – this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.
Groucho Marx