Funny Quotes
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If you want to tickle your funny bone then this is the right place. Here you will find such quotes which will surely make you laugh. Send these quotes over to your friends when they are tired after a day’s work or when they are not feeling good because they had a fight with their partner or the boss said something about the performance or when someone is feeling low. These quotes will surely change their mood for once and will cheer them up. These quotes can also be used in parties and the office meetings to lighten up the atmosphere as well as to make everybody seem more comfortable in your company.
The only exercise I get is walking behind the coffins of friends who took exercise.
Peter OToole |
The best funny quotes and quotations are :
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
Billy Connoly
The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little smile to one little face today, then somebody's slipped up somewhere."
David Frost
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
Ray Romano
This 3-year-old kid is home alone, and a salesman comes to the door. The kid answers, and he’s got a porno in one hand, a cigar in one hand and a bottle of J.D. The salesman goes, “Hi, little boy, are your parents home?” The kid goes, “What the f**k do you think?”
Avril Lavigne
In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher
The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little smile to one little face today, then somebody's slipped up somewhere."
David Frost
Sex is nature, and I believe in going along with nature.
Marilyn Monroe
My parents used to take me to Lewis' department store in Glasgow. They were skinflints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo.
Billy Connolly
The only difference between a Britney Spears video and a spread in Playboy is at least the centerfolds know they can't sing.
Bono
Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills.
Dolly Parton
Congratulations to Wayne Rooney. He scored three times on Tuesday. He hasn't done that since he crashed a pensioners' bingo night.
Jonathan Ross
John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike
Sam Kinison
Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.
Dick Van Dyke
My name is Raquel Welch. I am here for Visual Effects. And I have two of them.
Raquel Welch
I've been in the twilight of my career longer than most people have had a career.
Martina Navratilova
Shania 'Oh I must remember to buy some mutton' Twain once performed at the Nobel Prize Peace Concert with Elton John and Phil Collins. You probably remember that year. They had to wrestle a Stanley knife off Nelson Mandela.
Mark Lamarr
I don't plan to grow old gracefully I plan to have face lifts till my ears meet.
Rita Rudner
Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
Shelley Winters
When I'm really hot, I can walk into a room and if a man doesn't look at me, he's probably gay.
Kathleen Turner
They say men can never experience the pain of childbirth. They can...if you hit them in the goolies with a cricketbat for fourteen hours.
Jo Brand
The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent.
Conan OBrien
I haven't had any experience with UFO's, but paranormal life seems to be all around me...I grew up on the lower east side of New York.
David Duchovny
I've got a phone, answer machine, TV set, computer, hand grenade - everything you need to run a business in Los Angeles.
Ice T
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
Ray Romano
My parents used to take me to Lewis' department store in Glasgow. They were skinflints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo.
Billy Connolly
Jim Cameron and I have just decided we're going to do another Terminator. The title will be The Sperminator: I'll Come Again.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Today, if you're not an alcoholic, you're nobody.
Dick Van Dyke
I look at going to Hollywood as going behind enemy lines. You parachute in, set up the explosion, then fly out before it goes off.
Robert Redford
Ugliness is better than beauty. It lasts longer and in the end, gravity will get us all.
Johnny Depp
Russia's a little bit like a critically ill patient. Every day you have to get up and take the pulse and hope that nothing catastrophic happened the night before.
Condoleeza Rice
Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills.
Dolly Parton
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
Billy Connoly
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